A Letter from Santa Brawler

HO! Ho…

Damn. Can’t even get to the third “Ho” properly. Alright. Get it together.

Greetings, citizens of the Pixel World. This is Santa Brawler speaking. I know the past few weeks haven’t exactly been easy on you, but I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news.

Santa Brawler is sad.

No, not because of that article the Creator wrote about me, shamelessly ignoring my extremely constructive and absolutely mandatory recommendations. And not because the entire planet almost turned into a frozen wasteland, with Coldheart and his saboteurs nearly ruining Christmas altogether. No. It’s because while the snow-covered battlefields thundered with explosions, while the fate of the world was decided in glorious chaos and heroic nonsense…

I. MISSED. ALL. OF IT.

Frozen solid in a massive chunk of ice, completely stuck — couldn’t even wiggle a finger. Just lying there: handsome, muscular, and UTTERLY USELESS. I tried everything! I yelled at the ice using words that would make my own mother disown me. I blinked at near light speed, hoping to shatter the glacier with the raw power of my eyelashes. I even tried heating reality itself with sheer force of thought — I swear, that used to work!

But no. Nothing.

And you didn’t wait.

You went out there and did Santa’s job for him. You tracked down Coldheart and smashed his band of saboteurs. You reclaimed the Arctic Heart and restored control over the climate station. You brought warmth back — to the world… and, damn it, to my heart as well.

And now that I’m finally free, I’ve got a lot to catch up on. But before I take off to hand out, let’s call them, “PRESENTS” to the remaining bad guys and decorate the world for Christmas, there’s something you need to know.

YOU ARE SHAMELESSLY AWESOME.

Yes, I’m used to being the main Christmas saver. Yes, my alpha-grade ego is SLIGHTLY bruised. But I have to give credit where it’s due. You proved that even when all hope seems lost — and Santa himself is somewhere at the bottom of a frozen ocean, screaming very un-festive words — giving up is not an option. With your determination, heroism, and ABSOLUTE, UNHINGED COOLNESS, you kept the spirit of Christmas alive. And where I come from, that earns respect… and a solid, fatherly pat on the shoulder.

So here’s my wish for you: never lose that fire. FIGHT LIKE RABID REINDEER! Do STUPID THINGS FOR THE RIGHT REASONS! Stay COOL. STAY UNBREAKABLE! May this Christmas and the entire year ahead be filled with JOYFUL SHOUTS, BLINDING FIREWORK EXPLOSIONS, BREATHTAKING VICTORIES, AND SHINING TROPHIES!

And remember: you’re awesome. Almost as awesome as me.

Now I’ve gotta go. If you hear explosions, desperate pleas for mercy, or sustained machine-gun fire — don’t panic. Santa delivers PAIN only to those who truly deserve it.

MERRY CHRISTMAS! HAPPY NEW YEAR! And next Christmas, please try NOT TO STEAL ALL THE FUN FROM ME!!!

HO-HO-HO!
(Oh. There it is.)